patience

Patience. 

We all want to be at the receiving end of it but find it more difficult to possess. 

As you know, I just turned thirty this year and still single. This area of my life is where impatience often shows its ugly face. 

At times, I have been guilty of manipulating situations to make something happen and when it does, I call it God's work.

 I'm left broken and confused about why it did not work out.

Recently, I was reminded of a king in the Bible named Saul. Israel had been without a king and they wanted one because the surrounding areas all had kings. They grew impatient waiting on God and demanded that Samuel provide them with one. They did not realize that God had selected David in his youth and was preparing him for the throne. Because of their impatience, Saul was given to them as their king.

In I Samuel 13, Saul experienced a moment of panic in the middle of a battle. As a result, he made a poor choice instead of waiting on Samuel and took matters into his own hands. In the end, he lost not only the battle but his kingdom. Who knows what God would have done or how God could have used Saul if he had merely exercised patience.

I find I have much in common with this passage of Scripture. Sometimes I am so desperate for a relationship because everyone around me is in one. Oh, the depths of desperation that I have crawled to in my lifetime! It is not worth repeating. Some of which I am so embarrassed of that I still have not been able to talk to certain guys in my past because of the way I had acted. The amount of begging and pleading that I've done is so shameful. I hope to save you from that. Too often we think because everyone else has a man, we need one too. In the end, we settle for whatever comes available to appease our desire. God has so much more in store for you. There is no begging or embarrassing situations required. All God asks is that you wait on Him.

You may be like me and growing impatient with your lack of marital status. 

God's timing is perfect. 

He really does know what He is doing. 

It is not about getting what we “deserve” or want, but about surrendering all to God—including our dreams of a wedding. 

The ultimate challenge is giving up your own will and submitting it to God, relinquishing all rights. 

If we choose to do it our way instead of waiting on Him, we may just be saying “Give me a king, any king,”

 when God is preparing a David.

indescribable

I'm a sucker for adjectives and adverbs. I was the weird girl in English class that got all excited about diagramming. There are so many ways to describe things. So many words, wonderful words that open up the mind. Words that enlighten you and give a better understanding.

However there is One that no adjective or adverb could ever describe. The mind cannot fathom Him and His greatness. This video encompasses some of that.

That's my King! During this time of year, it is so easy to lose sight of the purpose behind it all. It is so easy to lose sight of what is truly important. It isn't about the gifts and the parties. It isn't even about spending time with family and loved ones.


"For God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 NLT


Christmas is about the gift of salvation. Do you know Him? Do your loved ones know Him? There aren't enough words in our dictionary to fathom His complexity and power, but His gift is simple. It blows my mind to think that a God that big came to this filthy and disgusting earth to die for me. He died for my sin. My complacency. My stubbornness. My selfishness. He did it for you too. 


So I ask you this again, do you know Him? Is He your King? 

drowning

I'm writing this blog not to receive pity, but just with a desire to be raw and open. I've struggled for a long time with unhappiness. I have allowed Satan to rob me of my joy. I've fallen prey to his lies and believed every one of them.

In a moment of absolute despair last night, all I could hear was “you're not good enough. Not funny enough. Not thin enough. Not pretty enough. Not loud enough. Not fast enough. Not strong enough. Not patient enough...You are not enough!”

It's been a mantra of sorts that has played in my head incessantly. I can't get rid of it. It has effected every area of my life. But the worst of all is it has made me...shall I actually confess it out loud??...angry at God. That's been Satan's intent all along. He only wants you to take your focus off Christ and turn it on yourself. Eventually, you'll turn on your Creator too. It isn't something that happens overnight. It just starts with one thought that goes unchecked. This is why II Corinthians 10:5 tells us to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

There's a saying about bitterness—it is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die. How much worse is it when you realize the anger and bitterness you feel is actually directed at God??

While I was drowning in the depths of my own self pity and self hatred, a song came on my Pandora that was a little misplaced. See, I was listening to Christmas music when all of the sudden the familiar notes of Tenth Avenue North came through the speakers. If you've read any of my blogs, you know that I love music and lyrics.

Here I am loathing so much about myself and how God created me, building up a wall of bitterness and the lyrics are saying...

I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall

In the dead of night

Whenever you call

Please don't fight

These hands that are holding you

No matter how far I fall. He's still there. To love me in spite of all my flaws. In spite of all my “not enoughs.” At the end of the day it really doesn't matter if I'm enough, because let's face it, He is enough. More than enough.

trees

I look out the window to the tree line below. Winter is beginning to set in. All the leaves are gone. No color or sign of life remains. Barren. Lonely. Gloomy. Yet, I find hope in that. To me, and maybe only me, there is beauty in the barren tree.

Just like the trees, our lives go through seasons. Solomon instructs in Ecclesiastes 3 that there is “a time to every purpose under heaven.” There's the time of laughter, dance, and celebration. There is the time of change. But then comes the dreaded times in our lives. The times of mourning, weeping, and death. They are inevitable, but necessary for life.

See, the beauty I find in those barren branches is the hope that surrounds them. They possess a hope that their branches will once again be filled to abundance with lush green leaves and the blossoms of Spring. There is a hope of new life. And just like the trees, we also possess a hope.

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” -II Corinthians 5:17 NLT

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” -Philippians 1:6 NLT  

trust issues

Daily I struggle with allowing God to do His work. I always want to do it instead. The Bible says we are at war with our flesh. Our minds want to serve God but our flesh works against us. It's our sin nature, a continual fight. But once I've heard it called the beautiful fight, a fight worth fighting.

Sometimes I do everything on my own and leave little to no room for God in my life: my jobs, my relationships, my finances, etc. Then there are other times I back off and do nothing. Neither avenue works. I just find myself lost with no direction.

As a child I loved the image of God as the Potter and me as the clay. He wants to create a beautiful vessel, a masterpiece, in you. It is important to remember that He has a plan and is doing a work in our lives. It's difficult at times to be that malleable clay that is required. You can't work with clay once it's become hardened and stubborn. Too often we become unusable just like the hardened clay. We try to create ourselves and just end up like an ashtray made in summer camp for only a grandmother to love, or sometimes worse. 

We need to recognize our weaknesses and frailty. Our flesh is like a woman in the middle of a shoe and chocolate sale (one day that will happen simultaneously and I'll be doomed). Our flesh wants us to fail. The great news is God is strong and He will give us the strength to fight our desire for control.

It comes down to a trust issue. Do you trust God to mold you and shape you? Or do you become stubborn and want to do it on your own? If you aren't allowing God then you are preventing Him. There's no in between. Let Him finish the work He's doing in and through you. Trust Him that He knows best.




Give Me Faith by Elevation Worship.

I need You to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need You to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life
All I am 
I surrender
Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life
I may be weak
Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will.

begging for recipe ideas

I need some help for a new project I am working on... Do you have some favorite holiday recipes that you would like to share?? Maybe it's something you've found online. Share the link with me. Have you made it recently? Send me a picture. Is it an old recipe that you can always count on? Send it to me. Maybe you just have a great tip that you would like to share.

I do not discriminate. I want recipes or how-to's for anything and everything: appetizers, entrees, sides, desserts, party food, etc. You can post in the comment section or email it to me at tanya6124@hotmail.com

Thanks guys!

to Tebow or not to Tebow...

Several years ago, there was a church that made a lot of headlines—Westboro Baptist Church. When I heard what they were saying “in the name of God,” it honestly made me embarrassed to be a Baptist. I was ashamed and didn't want to be connected in any way to these protestors and their hate. When asked where I went to church or what denomination I was, I would hesitate and fumble around trying to think of a new and creative way to describe my faith.

I think many Christians began to struggle with the whole issue of being politically correct and tolerant. Some wanted to love others and not step on any toes. Some wanted to be accepting and tolerant and avoid all issues that would turn into a possible debate. At the same time we wanted to stay true to our faith and what the Bible teaches. Then others wanted to fight and take a stand on what they believe. Debating 'til death. It began to become not necessarily difficult but inconvenient to be a Christian in America.

Many of you will not be shocked if I mention Tim Tebow at this moment. On October 23^rd, after the Broncos beat the Dolphins, Tebow quickly took a knee and offered up a quick prayer of thanks. This small action caught a lot of attention and was dubbed “Tebowing.” The next Sunday during the game between the Broncos and Lions, two Lions' players mocked Tebow and his prayer stance. In an article concerning this, the author pointed out if Tebow were a Muslim and prayed towards Mecca at that moment of victory, things would have turned out drastically different when those players had mocked him publicly. The author goes on to say, “We have become so enamored of politically correct dogma that we protect every minority from even the slightest blush of insensitivity while letting the very institutions that the majority holds dear to be ridiculed. And this defense that Tebow invites such scrutiny with his willingness to publicly live what he privately believes calls into question what exactly it is we value.”

The author also points out in the article that the Christians defending Tebow have turned just as ugly. She says, “This is where Christianity so often loses people, the ardent preaching of the gospel of “I'm right, you're wrong” and the demand for tolerance and the unwillingness to grant it.” This is what makes Christianity embarrassing at times. Why can't we take a cue from Tebow and just be? Why have we become so insistent on shoving and forcing, yet choose to ignore the whole concept of just living, doing, and being? Be Christ. Be love. Live out God's Word.

It brings to mind a passage of Scripture in Psalms 22:

“...but I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people. All who see me mock me; they hurl insults, shaking their heads: 'He trusts in the Lord; let the Lord rescue him. Let Him deliver him, since he delights in Him.' Yet You brought me out of the womb; You made me trust in You even at my mother's breast. From birth I was cast upon You; from my mother's womb You have been my God.”

In a book I read a few years ago, it mentioned how this is a picture of Christ. There is a reason worm is used instead of snake. A snake attacks. It doesn't allow anyone to mess with it without paying a penalty. However, a worm is just the opposite. Small children pluck them up off the ground and play with them, mutilate them, stomp on them. No matter what is done to them, the worm never fights back.

The psalmist, David, is being mocked and insulted. His faith is being ridiculed and tested, yet He praises God. At the end of the chapter he says:

“For the kingdom is the LORD's and He rules over the nations. All the prosperous of the earth will eat and worship, all those who go down to the dust will bow before Him.”

There is so much to learn from this. Ultimately, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess His name. In the meantime, we need to do our part. Be more like the worm and less like the snake. It isn't about being right and proving someone wrong. As I mentioned in my last blog, it is about bringing Him honor and glory. Let's not be embarrassing or embarrassed any more. They say actions speak louder than words, so isn't it about time we stop talking so much and starting being like Christ?

such a delight...

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." --Psalms 37:4 NASB

This has always been my favorite verse. I used to sign it below my name when I signed a card or letter. I love this verse, but I must be honest I've held onto it with selfish motives. I had a tendency to focus on the desires of my heart and not consider the rest. I thought if I went to church and behaved like a good girl then I was "delighting in Him." Because I considered myself such a delight He would then grant my desires like Santa Clause at Christmas time. "Yes God, I've been a good girl this year so I would like a new Porshe Carrera in black, a beautiful home with a view, at least ten new pairs of shoes (preferably designer), and oh yeah...Tim Tebow. Thanks."

It doesn't work quite like that. Believe me, I've tried. The question that needs to be raised is what delights Him? It isn't  the mere behavior modification, it is a total overhaul of the mind. God desires you to put Him first. Not kinda first, but first and foremost, above all else. When you do that then His desires become your desires and that causes Him delight. All the sudden the Porshe isn't so shiny and attractive. It's diminished in comparison to bringing God delight. (Tim Tebow still looks just as good though, ha. Just kidding!) You will never be happier, more fulfilled than when you are in the center of God's will and focused on delighting in the Lord.

boombox

I've had a song stuck in my head for the last three or four days. Maybe this sounds familiar to you...

My heart's a stereo

It beats for you so listen close 

Hear my thoughts in every note. Oh-oh-oh!

Make me your radio

Turn me up when you feel low 

This melody was meant for you, so sing a long to my stereo. Oh-oh-oh!

For those who know this song, I know you are now singing it in your head with me. It's catchy. So yesterday as I was singing it for the nine hundredth time, I started thinking about a spiritual application for all of this. Shay laughed when I told her this, but hear me out. God wants a relationship with us, it is like He is singing this love song to me and telling me that it was meant for me. Another part of the song says...

If I was an old-school fifty pound boombox
Would you hold me on your shoulder, wherever you walk
Would you turn my volume up in front of the cops
And crank it higher every time they told you to stop

So let's get rid of the stereo/boombox metaphor. God is saying I have a message of love, do you hear it? Do you share it? Too often I find myself searching. Searching for love. And I ignore what is right in front of me. The next chapter in my ultimate love story is waiting to be written. It is my relationship with Christ, that should constantly be moving and growing. I have settled with having an acquaintance with Him instead of the passionate love He has designed me for.

It is time to not just love God, but to fall in love with Him deeply. To not just say I have a relationship with Him, but to actually have one. Time to give up my search and surrender to all that He has to offer, which is SO much more than I would ever find anyways. His melody was meant for me, but not just for me. He wants me to share it with you and for you to share it with others. Don't be selfish, share the love. Turn up the boombox.  

Just for fun...Here's the video...

life on the farm

I've spent a few days alone at the house when I haven't been filling out applications and going to job interviews. Today is one of those days. I finally landed two jobs: one as a beauty adviser for Clarins in Macy's and the other at Bath and Body Works. Bring on the employee discounts and freebie's! Anyways, I start one tomorrow and the other next week so today I'm left at the farm all by my lonesome. I like it this way and days like this will be missed. Days of solitude and tranquility with nothing but the braying of a donkey and the meow of a cat. There are actually 3 donkeys and approximately 10 cats but who's counting. I've grown fond of all of them and their sounds.

I'm liking life on the farm thus far. It is an escape from day to day struggles and anxieties not to mention the stress of an upcoming wedding. I'm not stressing but I know some people who are. We are some fourteen days away from the pending nuptials of my lovely sister Jessica to the always charming Brandon Kerns. We have a few loose ends that need to be tied quickly, but never fear. It will all come together. I can't believe it is only two weeks away. So exciting.

Right now I am altering my bridesmaid dress, and enjoying the sounds of Mr. Big and Ziva stomping at the bothersome flies, and this adorable orange and white cat (whom I shall name Garfield) begging to be let inside. Just another peaceful day in my new life. God is so good!

a new day

As some of your may have heard. I sneaked my way back into Massachusetts on Saturday night. I loved my summer in Idaho and hope to visit again one of these days, but New England was beckoning. I've been on the move for years hoping to find a place to call home. Finishing college had made that difficult. I would live in Boston for the school year and back to Florida for the summers, constantly packing up my belongings and on the go. Then when my parents moved to Philly, I really felt like I had lost my center, the place I called home. I've literally felt homeless for three years at least. When my plane started to close in on Boston Saturday night, I felt it. It felt like home. It didn't matter if I was still living out of a suitcase or still didn't have a home for my beloved books. I was at home in New England. My eyes started watering as I saw the city lights, and my heart swelled at the chaotic view below me. I love the crazy accents and moody weather. I had missed the aggressive driving and the lack of proper street signage.

My parents moved to this small town in northern Massachusetts called Groveland. The house they rented is on a farm full of animals. At first I was hesitant of being so far away from Boston and my friends and the area I knew best, but on Sunday morning I woke up to the sounds of horses outside my window. I went to the kitchen and out onto the back deck and saw the most beautiful view. I knew I would have to stay as long as possible, ha. Then of course you factor in the beginning of sweatshirt weather and changing of leaves and its near perfection. It's the perfect location to finish my book. (forgive the quality of my cell phone pic ha)



I'm loving life on the farm. I'm slowly meeting all the animals. Mr. Big, Ziva, Matilda, Swifty and Pete are the horses. I only know Randy the donkey, but there are two more. Then there are several dogs. I've met Duke. He's like a hound dog or something similar. Almost knocked me over he's so friendly and loves to give kisses. Then there was Molly the mule, may she rest in peace. It was a sad day the other day because they had to put her down. She was lame and was in so much pain. It was hard watching the other animals as they seemingly grieved the loss of their friend.

My dad took me to the beach on his day off. It was so good to see the beach and be near it again. There is something healing about the sea air and sounds of the ocean. I could sit atop those rocks all day and marvel at all the wonders of God and His creation. And lets not talk about the smell of fried fish and fritters as you drive by! Yummm! I can't wait to have some good seafood. I'm thinking lobstah!


So its a new day, a new start, a new home in New England.

good read

I love reading a good novel. I've already mentioned some of my favorites throughout some of my blogs. Recently, I brought up Francine Rivers' series Lineage of Grace. Excellent retellings of the Biblical accounts of Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary. I've also mentioned Rivers' Redeeming Love. I don't care if you are into fiction or not. That book is a MUST read. It's Rivers' statement of faith. Such a beautiful portrait of our Savior and His redemptive love for us.

Now I am also a big movie watcher. I love a good comedy or suspense/action movie. Especially when I watch those who-done-it types, I have a mental competition to try and figure it all out before anyone else. If you watch one of these with me I'd ruin it for you. That is probably why people won't go to the movies with me anymore.

I'm a big fan of the Bourne series or any other kind of high intensity action flicks that have me unknowingly biting my nails. That's what I loved about this next book on my list. It just so happens to be written by my very own cousin. You could say I am a little biased, but hey so what. That's what family is for.

The book is called Cursed Blessing by J.M. LeDuc and is the first in a trilogy. I am chomping at the bit waiting to read the next. He let me write a blurb for the book and this is the ad that showed up in Suspense Magazine.

I am so excited for him. I never knew he had such an imagination and ability to spin such an intricate story. I must say, I'm a little jealous. I tried writing a suspense once. Still have it on my flash drive. While reviewing it I realized I am just too soft to write with such edge. Maybe someday. But in the meantime read this book.

another book

Many of you know I'm a Tim Tebow fan. He came out with a book in May, and I just got around to buying it. If you are a sports fan, you'll like the book. If you like reading inspiring books, you'll like this book as well. It is called Through My Eyes. He recounts all the events leading up to where he is today in the NFL.

I must say, I started feeling guilty sitting there reading the book as he was talking about all the work he does. I would always end up putting down the book after 20 min of reading to go do something useful ha. He really does have an amazing work ethic. It's also a very convicting read. He lives a life that puts most Christians to shame. Myself included. He talks about how just using the talents and abilities God gave us naturally isn't enough. That we are required to give our very best and to make those natural abilities even better so that it is a good reflection of our Creator. He speaks of how important his witness is and how upset he gets when people take their Christian witness lightly. That is how people see Christ, it isn't to be taken lightly.

There are parts that I feel I need a translator for when he's talking through all the big games at UF and calling out plays. I have no clue what he is talking about ha. Regardless, I highly recommend this book. Very inspiring read.

a highlighter worthy read

I just realized that I haven't shared with you some of my favorite books, and that is such a major flaw on my part. I LOVE reading. I'm currently sitting in a library surrounded by them and just can't decide where to start. I'm always reading. Of course, I haven't done much of that lately because #1 I've been pretty busy, but #2 I'm also working on writing my book so I don't want to clutter my mind or get sidetracked. Therefore this library is a supreme temptation to me.

I've always read a lot. My family constantly teased me about my addiction. But I learned how to ignore them. I used to have to lock myself in the bathroom, sometimes climbing into the empty tub fully clothed to read a chapter or two in silence. Then I got used to them and now I can read in the middle of a crowded room and block them all out. A couple members of my family have no interest in reading. Recently though, I have talked Shay into reading my number one favorite (to be shared later), since then she has pretty much been reading nonstop. I find it so funny to see her "addicted" like I've always been.

I want to share with you my top five fiction and non-fiction books. Then again I may not stop at five, who knows where this may go. I'll post a link to Amazon.com for each book. I'm thinking they should give me a discount or something for all this advertisement. Just a thought.

Today, I'll share with you one of the hardest yet smallest books I have ever read. Calvary Road by Roy Hession is a much needed but excruciating look in the mirror. I highly recommend this book for every Christian. I ended up highlighting most of the entire book, and cried through a majority of it. I had to read it as part of a counseling class I took a few years ago. The class was called Self Confrontation, and dealt with self counseling. This book really made me re-evaluate all I had thought about myself and my walk with Christ. It was the first of six books I had to read for the class. Each one taught me more and more. However, this book is an excellent place to start. I reread it every year now just as a reminder.

It is an old book. I think it was written about fifty years ago. But what it is teaching is timeless. I love the analogies Hession uses throughout the book. For example, Calvary Road. He explains how, as Christians, we are all traveling this road to the cross. The entrance requires you to be bent and broken before Him to get through. The road is very narrow and you run the risk of falling off. I John 1:5-7 says:

"This then is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth: But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin."


Hession points out that this road to Calvary requires you to walk in light. The moment we allow sin to enter, we fall off the road and into darkness. I won't give away too much of the book, but I found myself thinking about how much of my life I spent thinking I was on the straight and narrow. After reading this book, I realized I've actually been walking in the ditch on the side of the road. It was humbling and eye-opening. 


It definitely puts you in your place, but when it comes to things that involve my relationship with Christ I would rather be put in my place and hurting then walking ignorantly and aimlessly in the ditch.


I promise to give you a more light-hearted read after this, but I promise you won't regret reading this one even  if you do find yourself in tears and covered with highlighter ink.

chocolate chronicles revived???

Several years ago, a book caught my attention, "Secrets of An Irresistible Woman." Ooh I wanted to be that! I bought it and subsequently highlighted the heck out of it. Turned out to be the continuation to a book titled "What To Do Until Love Finds You." Bought that one too. I was in and out of relationships at the time and they really helped me gain perspective, pointing my focus away from lovey dovey relationships to my relationship with God. I remember thinking to myself I want to write like this woman! But I was too insecure in my inexperience and lack of knowledge.

Years passed by and the desire to help young people find a Biblical perspective on dating still sat in the back of my mind but my insecurities were always greater. I needed motivation...fuel. That fuel came a little over two years ago. I was was so fired up about a conversation that had taken over all the common areas of the college I was at. It worked its way into the dorms, and a lot of people were heated up about it. People were stating opinions openly and things were being revealed about how people really viewed dating.

See dating isn't Biblical. You can search and search but you will not find it. There are many things that can be applied to a dating relationship but there is no Biblical mandate for how it should be done. Because of this, the Christian dating scene is in crisis.

At that moment two years ago when I realized all of this, I started unofficially blogging on my Facebook page in the Notes section, calling it Chocolate Chronicles. I started doing what God had planted in my mind years ago, but again I began to feel unqualified. I wanted to study it more and become more knowledgeable before I wrote anymore. But life happened and soon it was put on the back back burner of a house I had long since moved out of, completely forgotten.

This week I was scanning my news feed on Facebook and noticed someone posted a link to a blog called "How to Live Your Great Love Story." Curious, I clicked on it and read. I thoroughly enjoyed all the points the author made and finished it thinking I'm going to share this with every young and single person I know. They need to know this stuff. So I did. I posted the link on my Facebook wall and went back to the blog to post a comment (I liked it that much). That's when I noticed the amount of controversy this blog had generated. It floored me. I got so worked up I posted a reply to one of the negative comments, giving her a little piece of my mind.

The next day I checked back and realized the blog post had been deleted. The author explained that he did not realize how offensive some people had taken it so to not further offend anyone he was removing it to give it more thought and consideration before reposting it later on down the road.

Why was this blog on dating so controversial to so many Christians? Why does talking about it get so many riled up and create so many volatile reactions from so many people? Why is it that our current state of dating within the Christian bubble causes so many broken people filled with regret? And why do we continue in this destructive manner?

So the Bible doesn't have a mandate to follow to the letter. Does that mean we follow what society dictates? What is the solution? This has once again stirred up so much within me. Ok so I'm inexperienced. Ok so I'm not an expert in this area. I don't think I care any more. I'm sick of this current state and I want answers. I'm determined to find them. Nancy Drew move over!

How's a woman to act? Do you play hard to get? Or is that a game of manipulation? Do you be honest and forth coming but not too honest lest you scare him away? How important of a role does attraction play? Should it be more important than what is on the inside or be even? What are the physical boundaries? Do they differ with each couple? What are the emotional boundaries? What does it really mean to guard your heart and who's responsibility is that?

I know I am not the only single girl who thinks about these very questions. I may over think everything, but hey someone has to.

grace

I've started a new Bible study this week. It's by Beth Moore which means that it is excellent. It doesn't matter what the topic is, she always does an excellent job digging into the Bible and highlighting things that cause me to think harder and push myself more than any other author has before. She teaches me that nothing compares to spending time in the Word of God, and that is the way it should be. This particular devotional is on the life of David. It's called David: 90 Days With A Heart Like His.

I'm only on day two so far, but I love it already. Moore points out how David was not a random choice for the throne in I Samuel 16, but was a planned and orchestrated choice by God. She speaks of his prominent role in the lineage of Christ. She says, "I never fail to be encouraged by Christ's heritage. How do you respond to the fact that the only perfect person in Christ's genealogy is Christ Himself? To me, Christ's flawed family history serves as a continual reminder of the grace of God in my life. In my human desire for perfection, I want to be so good that I need no one and no thing....But whenever my perfectionism kicks in, I run back to Scripture--to the only source of perfection (Rom. 3:23-24)."

God's grace is so astonishing to me. It is unfathomable. When I think of myself and all of my flaws and weaknesses, I get consumed with my own uselessness. It is so refreshing and encouraging to be reminded that God uses people in spite of their flaws and weaknesses.

There is a series written by Francine Rivers called Lineage of Grace. It's the stories of the five most unlikely women who were divinely placed within the lineage of Christ: Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary. To read about these women and their lives and see how God used them in such a mighty way is a great reminder that He can use any of us as long as we are willing. I highly recommend these books. They are each quick reads and its now been published in one volume unlike the five individual books I originally bought.

So today I ask you to think about what is holding you back. Is it fear? As Beth Moore says, "What's been the cost of not letting the Holy Spirit be in total control of your life?" How can you change that?

 Let yourself be taken away by His grace. As it says in my favorite song "If grace were an ocean, we'd be sinking." So find hope in that and let go of all the rest. Who knows what God has in store for you.

lazy days

Here I sit. In my bed. Feeling all kinds of lazy. I have had a rough couple of days, but I must say they were a breeze in comparison to the pain I was feeling before. As an update, I started having some abdominal pain in the middle of July. Clueless me had no idea what was happening so I change my diet up and cut out some things. It still happened. Then last Sunday it was really bad. Started while we were at church. I felt nauseated and in so much pain. It happened again Thursday night, but much milder. Then again Friday night. I woke up because of the pain at 3 am. I couldn't lay down, I couldn't sit up, I couldn't even stand up. It just hurt too much. I knew something was far more serious then just something I was eating. So I finally drove myself to the ER (Shay was out of town).

They ran some tests and found out I had a gallstone. That little tiny stone was causing all that trouble. So dumb. They did a procedure on Saturday afternoon. I was so scared of not the procedure and all the risks the doctor was telling me about but of the actual anesthesia. I don't know why, but I am scared to death of that stuff. I don't like loosing control. I'm almost positive it stems from all the seizures I used to have. I had a panic attack at the dentist when they gave me the gas stuff to pull my wisdom teeth. I made them stop, and opted to go without. I can't stand it. I don't have that option here. So as they hooked me up and gave me the special cocktail, tears formed in my throat and I kept praying “God, please keep me calm.” That was the last thing I remember. I woke up so thankful that God kept me not only safe but calm. You have no idea just how much that meant to me.

A piece of advice...never give a girl her phone while she's still under the influence of drugs. Apparently, I was on facebook before I was coherent. Jim was there taking pictures of me to send to my mom for peace of mind and I offered to make a funny face for him. I can't believe the picture he took. Alyssa came as well, in place of my mom and sister. She was the informant. I could not remember a thing that went down. So thankful to have such good friends.

So Sunday, I was feeling good. Felt back to normal. Slightly sore and still a little nauseous as they told me I would be. I even went to church and had a slice of pizza to eat. But Monday was not so good. Monday, I was really really weak and dizzy. There were some signs of possible internal bleeding. I went and had some lab work done. The guy was awesome. He took my blood so fast and he was funny too. Made the whole process easy. He even checked out Shay's veins. I think that was his way of flirting. No worries, she flashed her diamond and told him her veins were taken.

Shay said since I was such a good girl, she was going to treat me to some frozen yogurt. Well, we never made it. I started to pass out in the car. It was a scary time for me, but Shay stayed calm. She was driving and still helping me breath and stay focused on her. She was amazing. I am so very very thankful to have such an awesome nurse at my side.

The signs didn't stop by Tuesday morning so they asked me to come back to the ER. Derick brought me this time. He eased the tension a little for me by writing dumb questions for the doctor on the dry erase board. They ended up deciding to go through the procedure again and insert a camera to see if I was bleeding still and so forth. So here we go again. Not only did God help me through it, but He took my fear away. The result being no more bleeding. It had been bleeding but had stopped on its own. So today I am resting, taking it easy. I feel sore still but that could be from the second procedure.

I know some of this is too much info for some of you, but I wanted to give peace of mind to the moms who were worried but for another reason as well. This was a little something I thought about since I've had so much time on my hands lately. A spiritual something that I've taken away from this. Sin should be like that gallstone in our lives. When there is even a small amount we should be able to feel it and know its presence. It should make us so uncomfortable that we can't function. So uncomfortable that we have to be rid of it ASAP.

I've also found in my life that I hold onto the sin. I'm too scared to let go, like I was too scared to go to the ER or undergo the anesthesia. Even knowing the pain its causing me, I'm still hesitant. But we must let go. We must remove the sin in our lives hence it destroy us. The procedure only appears scarier than it is, and God promises the rewards far outweigh anything you could be holding onto.

There are signs of the venomous sin as well, that you are holding onto it. You just have to keep an eye out for them. Too often we become numb to the pain. We've endured it for so long that we ignore it and treat it as a normal fixture in our lives. That's not the way to live. We want to live free of burden. Free of pain. The sin in our lives costs us, but as Roy Hession said in his book Calvary Road, “On our knees we must go with it to Calvary and see Jesus there and get a glimpse of what that sin cost Him.”

Just the passing thoughts of a very lazy girl today.

craziness

Well...I finally obtained a second job. My first one, although fun, only gives me 16 hrs a week. At that job I am a sales rep for Motherhood Maternity. I go into their leased department in Macy's and handle shipments, consolidations, merchandising and markdowns. I like it. But I needed another job.

So this last week I started as a server for Tami's Cottage and Tea Room. When she interviewed me she was thinking of putting me as a cook for their breakfast but I guess decided against it and is starting me out as a server. In my head, I needed money and tea rooms make good money. Now I've been asked by several guys recently what a tea room is exactly so I'll save you....its a place where grown women go and sometimes dress up and where hats and play tea party. We had several women who come in to do just that and we have to appease them and play along, but mostly people just like good tea and fancy sandwiches. Well, I forgot about several facets of my personality. I don't move quickly. I'm a thinker. I contemplate every move before I do it. Not good. I'm also very forgetful. You can tell me something and I'll forget ten seconds later. I can remember something in detail from ten years ago, but not what you just said. Also not good. I'm also pretty much blind in one eye and it really messes with my perception. This is really not good when I am trying to reach over glasses or to grab a glass. What was I thinking? Serving tables is not a good job for me whatsoever. I have survived week one without incident. I have a much greater respect for servers. Much greater.

I also was hired for my first official cake job. I was hired to make a cake for a 3 yr old's birthday party. I made the bottom tier per request chocolate shortcake with German chocolate filling and a fudge frosting. The top tier was also a request...Pretty in Pink Strawberry and Champagne with a whipped strawberry filling and white chocolate buttercream frosting. It turned out pretty good. The mom loved it. The little girl, Jewel, loved it. All's well.

To add to my crazy week/weekend...Shay and I went to our first rodeo with Jim and Sherry. I had so much fun. I have always wanted to go, but growing up in South Florida and then moving to Boston doesn't really make that possible.

Oh there were cowboys EVERYWHERE!!!! The horses were so beautiful. I love looking at them and I wish I had one of my own, but I'm too skittish to actually get too close. I've ridden a couple times in my life and something bad always happens. I get too nervous ha. I take after my mom there. The bull riding was intense and so much fun to watch. The worse part of the whole night was during the drill team's show. They had this routine where they turned out all of the lights and the horse and rider were wearing colored lights and they would run patterns in the dark. It was really cool to watch until right in front of us it looked like two horses collided and all we saw was a tumble of red lights. It looked like they rolled and the horse possibly could have rolled over its rider. They stopped it immediately and had to get the EMT's out. They didn't give us much report on her throughout the night but we were at least told she was conscious and talking.

Well that was the craziness of my week. Pray for my new job. Pray that I can move faster, remember things, and see stuff. Pray that I can make some money and be able to pay my bills and such. And pray that I can be a witness to both of my jobs.

I also wanted to announce the debut of Shay and I's new site. We will be unveiling it in the very near future. It's called Apron Confessions and its a site sharing our adventures in the kitchen. I've also been making some aprons that will be going up on etsy at the same time. So I hope all of you are ready to do some baking and cooking because I am.

Have a good week!

good in goodbye

Shayla and I love the movie Bridget Jones' Diary. There is this scene in the beginning where she is crying the blues about being over 30, overweight, and single. She talks about if she doesn't change soon she fears she'll grow old and die alone in her apartment, eaten by dogs, not to be found for several weeks. Then she breaks out a bottle of wine, checks her messages..."You have no new messages," and eventually breaks out into Celine Dion's All By Myself.

I laugh every time because I have had many of the same thoughts. The movie makes me laugh and points out many of my own desperate moments. If you are anything like me, you have probably felt similar at times. You have these weak moments where you second guess everything and think the worst about the future, and you end up singing a few bars of Celine Dion yourself. I've have numerous moments like these and usual it causes me to do something out of desperation and live to regret it. Take most of my past relationships for example. I jumped into some of these relationships just desperate for a relationship. I justify things and compromise so much. Then I'm so heartbroken when things don't work out. There have even been times when I have been angry at God for not allowing it to happen.

Well, God used Beyonce to talk to me this week. Yes, you read that right ha...Beyonce. I was listening to the radio which I don't do very often, I'm very satisfied with my iPod and pandora. I heard Beyonce's song "Best Thing I Never Had." She says, "Thank God you blew it. Thank God I dodged the bullet...honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had...Thank God I found the good in goodbye." She found the positive in the heartbreak.

Each heartbreak was God protecting me. God came to my rescue. He knew that those guys were not right for me. He had a bigger plan for me. Sometimes its hard to see so soon after heartbreak, but after time I look back and I think "whooo, so glad I didn't get stuck in that relationship!" I really am glad that I have been able to see the good in goodbye.

Part 2: today

Today marks the 13th anniversary of Andy's death. I can't help but think of just how far I've come in 13 years. I know he'd be proud. However, I also know that there are many that are still hurting on this day. Some may still be bitter that his life was cut so short. Selfish because they wish he was here. But I praise God for the life he lived and effect he had on my life. I praise God that I was able to be apart of that short life he lived. And I know he has far better things to do today than to spend it with me. He's face to face with his Creator, worshiping Him with every ounce of his being. So I'll stop wishing I could hug him just once more, or talk to him on the phone for just a few more minutes. Today, I will simply miss him and the friendship we had, because the life he is living now far outweighs anything on this earth.

Part 1: my weekend

So I forgot already that I was supposed to be sticking to a schedule and writing every Monday. I will get the hang of this. I'm sure of it. Today I am writing two though so that makes up for it, right?

On Saturday, Shay and Sherry took me to the Boise market. It happens every Saturday from April to October and takes up a good portion of 8th Street downtown Boise. It reminds me a little of Boston's Haymarket for my Bostonian readers. There are produce and flowers galore. Then there is a section for artisans...paintings, jewelry, wind chimes made out of spoons! I was in love with this place. Shay bought this fiery Huckleberry Jalapeno jam. I just had a taste (because I am still dieting), but it was delicious! Spicy and sweet. Great combination.

Now the first day I was in Boise, Jim and Sherry took Shay and I to this restaurant downtown called The Fork. I loved the atmosphere, and the food was even better. I had the Bogus Bosc salad. It was named after Bogus, the tallest mountain here. It had Bosc pear, gouda cheese, candied hazelnuts, and a champagne vinaigrette. Yum! Anyways, I digress...I fell in love with their glasses. I was sipping my water and fascinated by the glass when I felt the bottom and it hit me. I was drinking out of a recycled wine bottle! I was mesmerized and I wanted to take it home with me. So we asked about them and come to find out The Fork supports local vendors and bought them from the market.

So here I am at the market and what do I find? My glasses! This vendor makes glasses out of recycled bottles: vodka, beer, wine, etc. And they are beautiful. I've always thought wine bottles were so pretty.

After the market, Shay and I returned home to make some cupcakes for Trevor's birthday. We made German Chocolate, which I am told is his favorite. We made the German chocolate cake, the caramel/pecan/coconut filling, and chocolate frosting. We added toasted coconut and an espresso bean on top. I must say they turned out pretty good. Here's a pic of the final product.

We went to a Brazillian restaurant for his birthday dinner. The whole time Shay and I kept thinking about that scene in the movie Bridesmaids and hoping that wouldn't happen to us. It didn't. The food was great.

I took a walk yesterday with Riley. First of all when you go to put her leash on she gets so excited to be going on a walk that she hugs you. You read that right. The dog hugged me. She jumps up and puts one paw on each shoulder and pulls you in and wraps her paws around your neck while snuggling her face next to yours. She hugs you. She can't possibly get any cuter! Anyways, I walked around the block and was reading the street signs. I live on Silver Salmon, then there was Brown Trout, Rainbow Trout, and Spoonbill. I'm not a nature girl, but I love the idea of nature. Does that make any sense? I love that there are freaking huge mountains that are visible from any point in this city. I love that there are horses across the street that I have taken it upon myself to name: Strawberry, Storm, and Zachyus (don't ask). I love that I can buy farm fresh eggs from someone down the street and that just about everyone grows their own tomatoes. But I also love that I can go downtown and indulge my city girl side. I love the fact that I don't have to hike up those freaking large mountains to fit in around here. Can I also mention that the small portion of Kentucky blood that I have loves the fact that there is a race track down the road and I can hear the cars roar on the weekends. Boise...you're an interesting place.

my dad

I've been trying to get on more of a schedule with my blog, doing one each Monday. But today is a special day. Today Shay and I are sitting at the kitchen table reminiscing of our childhood days. We can't help but laugh at the times when Shay, Jess, and I were little and we thought our dad was the strongest man ever! We would beg him to show us his muscles. Daddy, Daddy pleeease! Most of the time he was too modest and would distract us in order to put an end to our continual pleading, but then there were times he humored us and flexed his muscles. He really was the strongest man ever! He could do anything! He was superman to us.

There was also the Donald Duck impersonation. We loved it! We would giggle and giggle until it hurt. Sometimes he would just do the sound Donald Duck made when he was frustrated, but most of the time he would tell us to “Go clean your room.”

Tickle time was no fun. He was brutal and relentless in his tickling. We constantly ran from him shrieking not wanting to be attacked by the tickle bug. We would try to return the favor, but dad HATES being tickled. His body tenses and he maneuvers his way out of your reach then goes on the attack. He shows no mercy at that point. One time mom was in the wrong place at the wrong time and she was accidentally kicked! That's the thing with tickling dad. You have to be ready for anything and prepared to take the consequences. Just a few weeks ago, we surrounded him and attacked while he was in his recliner. He jumped up to run after us and we all ran screaming and hiding. I hid in the basement. Not a smart move, the lock was on the other side of the door. Good for me he tires much more quickly now and didn't run far after us.

I also remember when he would help my mom in getting us ready for school. He would brush my hair for me. To this day I don't know why he did it, but he would count the strokes...fifty on each side and fifty in the back. I was always so proud of my hair :)

He would always joke that his recliner was his throne, his remote was his scepter and we were his slaves. He would say “why do you think I had kids?” When Aaron was born, poor guy received more of it ha. “AARON! WHERE'S AARON!?” He would threaten to ground us if his remote was missing. Which it was always missing. Of course, we would never have touched his scepter, but we would have to help him find it.

One of my favorite memories is of Jessica. She loved her baby dolls and thought they were real babies. She insisted on real diaper, real bottles, and real clothes for her babies. One day my dad decided to play a prank on her and make her day all at the same time. He put chunky peanut butter in her baby doll's diaper. Jess always changed her baby's diapers on a pretty regular basis. When she did, she screamed and ran around saying “my baby pooped!.” He was such a prankster.

I also thought of my dad as the smartest man ever. When we were little it seemed he knew everything. He was always reading, always studying. Reteaching himself Greek or Hebrew (we laughed a lot at his Hebrew). If I had a question, he always knew the answer whether it was honors algebra or literature. He also always knew where we were going. Still to this day, if we are driving through New York we can call and tell him what mile marker we are at and he'll tell us what to do and what not to do. He's better than any GPS I've ever used. There is only one time and one time only that I remember him getting lost. It was while we were in NYC. We had parked in Brooklyn to see the Brooklyn Tabernacle choir on a father's day long ago. He couldn't find the parking garage. Of course, he wouldn't tell us he was lost. No he only told us he knew exactly where he was going and that he had purposely circled the block three times.

Dad worked so hard. He always had more than one job, and always full time with the church. It seemed the church could never pay enough to cover our bills so he would have to find work else where. For many years, he taught school all day, spent hours grading papers, then spent all night at a church function or visitation. There were hospital visits, counseling sessions, prayer meetings, etc. Then preparing for Sunday not only included preparing for his sermon, but also handling the music and everything else. Sometimes it would require even cleaning the church to be ready for Sunday morning. He was constantly going, constantly working. For some years I resented it. It seemed he had more time for the church or the students in his class than he did for me, but then I would wake up really early in the morning and over hear him praying for me. I knew that everything he did, he did for God first then for his family. He worked hard, not because he loved it but because it provided for us and allowed him to do what God had called him to do.

He taught us more by living his life than with his actual words. He taught us how to love God and live a Godly life. He taught us that true happiness is not in all the toys you have but in your relationship with Christ.

I will never forget getting what we termed the “expensive” cards on Valentines (Hallmark) from our dad. He would always label them with our nicknames and write the sweetest things. It always brought a tear to my eye. My dad may be a quiet man, but he loves deeply. He taught us at a young age that we were loved and adored. He showed us how we were to be treated and not to settle for anything less. This could be why I am still single. No one measures up to my daddy. My dad is the strongest man ever. He is superman. He is Donald Duck. He is the smartest man ever. He is my GPS. He is my rock. He is my daddy.

Happy Father's Day!

day in the life of Tanya...yikes

So I'm adjusting to my much quieter, slower paced life here in Idaho. I haven't started my new job yet, so I spend my time staring at Riley as she stares at me. We have numerous staring competitions a day. She usually wins :( Right now she is currently circling my chair trying to catch a fly. That fly has no chance of survival.

As I mentioned in my last blog, I started a diet this week. I am happy to report I am now 10lbs less of the woman I was last week thanks to Mishayla. Week two begins today.

So the fly just met its unfortunate death. I knew there was no hope for that poor fly. May he rest in peace.

This week I have been able to add a whole chapter to the book I am working on! I am so excited about it and so happy that God has given me the time and inspiration to work on it. Hoping to get some more written this week.

I've been working on a couple projects as well. Pulled out the sewing machine today. I had a some ideas for a few aprons I wanted to make and now Shay wants me to make them into dresses for her. Silly girl, always wanting to add to her wardrobe, even if its an apron-dress??

I have had so much fun here so far. Shayla and I have laughed so hard this week while we did VBS for a class of 2 yr olds. The songs that were stuck in our heads each night!!! Oh they should never be repeated!

My new church is called The Pursuit. We go to the 5:00 service on Sundays. It is going to take some time getting used to not getting up early on Sunday mornings, but I think I'll survive. Last night at church, they had baptisms. They showed a video of all those that were being baptized, and there was this thirteen year old boy. He said something that just resonated with me. He said "I was born for God; I will die for God; but now I must live for God." I think sometimes we focus on the first two. It is important to be born again as some would refer to the salvation experience. We'll say the salvation "prayer" and think we're home free. We want to be "good" so that when we die people say good things about us. But we forget all those days in between. What do we live for? Is it for ourselves? Usually that's the case with me. I forget all about the One who changed my life, the One who gave me new life. I only think about myself...how people view me...what makes me happy...what I want. I need to get back to the moment when I realized what that little boy realized yesterday. We must live for God. Every moment, every breath He gave me. It's only fair to give back to Him what He already owns, what He deserves.

the dreaded four letter word

Diet. I must emphasize the DIE in DIET. I have been on so many diets, and all have failed. Some have worked for a little while then I start living in the real world again. It's time for a change though. I can't live like this anymore. I don't just want to go through another diet plan half-heartedly and quit when I'm tired of it. I want to make a lifestyle change. So I have enlisted the help of Jillian Michaels...aka...Mishayla. She's a nutrition beast. She's leading me through this particular diet. I'll have 3 intense weeks of dieting, followed by 3 weeks of maintenance. I will be sugar free, carb free, and diet coke free (well all soda, but diet coke is the only one that matters for me) for the next 3 wks. You may not want to come near me during that time. It could possibly be a very, very scary time.

Today marks day one. I'm hoping that by sharing some of my experiences and goals, I'll be held accountable. This diet will be different. I will be different. So here goes my version of the Biggest Loser.

In other news, I am in Boise, still without a job. I have another interview but not for another 2 wks. So weird, isn't it? I've had two other interviews and one call back, but still nothing. Its all in God's timing. In the meantime, the writing is going well. I'm getting settled and really enjoying it way out west. The days stretch on and on. Darkness does not descend until 10pm. It will take some getting use to.

I'm taking my time typing this because it keeps my mind off of the fact that I'm dieting ha. Ok, here I go. I'm going to face this diet head on. We'll see who survives.

Riley and me

Well, day one of writing. I'm sitting at my sister's kitchen table. It has a nice view of the park at the center of the subdivision. Riley, a ridgeback/lab mix, is Shay and Derick's dog. She sits next to me and either has her head resting on the windowsill looking out longingly at the park or she rests her head on the corner of the table wondering what in the world I am doing and why I am not playing with her.  She's a boisterous dog that thinks like she's a small tea cup pup, but she is absolutely adorable. She's going to help me write I think.

I have a job interview later this afternoon. Which is good. I'm a little tired of resting, I want to get back to work. But this morning I woke up and I had dreamed about a character in one of my books. I had talked about it with Shay yesterday so I assume she was just on my mind. It was so nice waking up and being able to just go to my computer and start writing. I've been able to get so much done this morning. 

new beginnings

As many of you already know, I started college in August of 2002. I started out well, but soon became caught up in all sorts of other things. I became extremely depressed and spiritually far from where I needed to be. I ended up failing several classes. I don't even remember taking most of them. I was just in a really bad place and ended up wasting my time and money on schooling that I wasn't taking seriously. I began to doubt the reasons why I was even getting a Biblical education. Seriously, what's a girl to do with a degree in Biblical Studies? I spoke to my counselor and she basically told me I was to marry someone in the ministry or become a church secretary. That just doesn't work for me. I ended up quitting school and moving back to Florida.

I had grown bitter from relationships gone sour...relationships with so called friends from the Bible college. When I needed someone to recognize the dark hole I had fallen into and reach out for me, there was no one and that hurt. I blamed them for everything. After 3 yrs in FL, I took one trip to Boston to see my sister graduate and it all changed. I remember sitting in the grand and historical Fanieul Hall watching her walk across that stage to get her diploma and I wanted it to be me. I wanted to finish what I had started. After talking to a couple from the school, the Sawyers, I began to realize I wanted more than to just finish. I wanted to regain my purpose. I knew God had called me to a specific task. I had lost sight of it for a while. Or maybe I just never found clarity on it.

I began to look at it from a whole new perspective. I decided instead of going to a Bible college in order to learn how to be in ministry, I was going to begin my ministry in Bible college. I wanted to be for others what I wanted so desperately when I first started back in 02-03. It was there during those moments that I found my direction. I love writing. I always have, but I've always done it as a hobby...for my eyes only. I realized that God wanted more from me. I realized that I could use my education in the Bible to be the base of my writing.

On Wednesday afternoon I walked across that very same platform in the historic Fanieul Hall in downtown Boston and received my degree. It has been a long time coming. I've learned so much a long the way. Yes, a lot of it was in the classroom, but most of it was not. I am so grateful God gave me a second chance.

I fly out to Boise, ID tomorrow. It will be a new beginning for me. I can't wait to start fresh. I can't wait to see what God has in store, what He will write in this new chapter in my life.

random

I was recently introduced to stumbleupon.com You choose some interests you have then brings you to random websites you wouldn't normally find. Well I stumbled upon a new favorite. It's called donothingfor2minutes.com It plays the sounds of the ocean in order for you to relax, but what I've found is it doesn't stop after 2 minutes. It keeps going. I'm loving it. I've missed the ocean.

So I only have 21 more days of school then I'm off to Philly for a few days before leaving for Boise. Someone came up to me today and said that the rumor mill says I'm going to Boise for a guy haha. That would be false. I've pretty much come to this point in my life where I'm so focused on other things that a guy would really complicate things. Its been a long time coming to get to that point, but I'm finally there. I'm fine without one.

I'm going to Boise for a girl...my sister. We are planning on starting this website soon and hopefully, God willing, we will be starting a business together in the next few years or so. We'll see. I am also hoping to get started on some more schooling...hopefully a masters in English.

To be honest, there really isn't a point to this blog. I just felt like talking :) Have a good night everyone. I'm gonna listen to the ocean for awhile.

God Bless,
Tanya

cursed

I overheard a conversation a couple of weeks ago. I'm a nosy person and I have a tendency of just inserting myself into conversations without invitation. Ken Gillming, a VP at the school I attend, was talking to some students about the differences in the way men and women think. I have no idea the origin of this conversation, but he was saying that men have to think and feel separately. Women are able to do both simultaneously. Now, this does not make us better it just means we are a mess. This goes along with what I was saying in my last blog about the heart. Our emotions and our thoughts are woven together. It is difficult to separate our thoughts from our feelings. Someone once said, “men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti.” So true. Men compartmentalize in little boxes, and women are all mixed together—one thought connected to another.

Gillming then brought up Genesis 3 and the curse God put on Adam and Eve in the garden. Oh, that wretched curse! It's brought me nothing but heartache and trouble. Verse 16 says, “and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” He offered a new point of view on this passage. As women, we've been cursed to desire our husbands. We've automatically put all of our desire and focus on the men in our life. We depend on them to fulfill us, complete us. We try so hard to find our security in them.

Now if you are anything like me and single, every man I'm interested in becomes a husband candidate. Therefore, I have a tendency of acting out the curse on every one of these men. This is where my last blog comes into play. I have allowed my heart to become unguarded and vulnerable.

We have to learn to control our emotions and not be driven by them. We have to fight against the curse. That's our sin nature. We have to go against our nature and return our focus on God. Our security should be found in Christ and Christ alone. Our desires and focus should be towards God not man. Men will let you down, but God will not. When you find complete fulfillment in God, then that frees up the men to be what God has called them to be and not what we want them to be. Takes a lot of pressure off their shoulders if they don't have to worry about being your everything.

I'm thinkin' maybe there should be a book about this. Hmmm...I'm going to have a lot of writing to do this summer :)

heart

For the last two years I have been leading girls' devotions on Monday nights with a friend of mine, Tamara. We are nearing the end of our time with these girls, and I am starting to get really sad. Tamara has been amazing to work along side. She is such a godly woman. Such an encouragement. This past Monday, we began talking about the heart and how vulnerable it can be. As women, we can be so careless with our hearts and we don't always consider the consequences and how devastating heartbreak truly can be. I try so hard not to be vulnerable, but I can't help it. I still haven't learned my lesson, even at 29. The heart is vulnerable, it needs to be guarded. This is especially true for women.

When I was growing up, my family would poke fun at me because I couldn't fight. There was a time when I was mad at one of my sisters (I can't remember which one), it was over a stupid Britney Spears CD. So ridiculous to think about now, but at the time I was livid. I was seeing red. I ran after the sister, grabbed the CD and hit her on her shoulder. Now anyone who actually knows how to fight knows that a lousy hit to the shoulder is pathetic. She actually started laughing at me. I was horrified that I had “attempted” to hurt my sister, so I started crying. I was the one who inflicted pain (not really, but I tried), and I started crying. When my family poked fun at me I would tell them its because I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'm sensitive. I can't help it. My heart reigns supreme.

Now in any Bible study setting with young girls, college or high school ages, there are always the discussions about sexual purity and abstaining until marriage, but not much is said about the heart. Not many understand that the emotional needs of the woman are just as important to her as the physical needs of a man are to him. It's a wonderful thing if a woman saves her virginity for her husband, but its an even greater feat if she saves her heart for him as well.

We are emotional creatures. We have emotional needs and we will allow anyone and everyone to fulfill those needs. Sometimes, its just seeking advice, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on. But in seeking these things from men, we are allowing them to meet our emotional needs. When they do this we open our hearts and become vulnerable to them. Sometimes our hearts get carried away. Sometimes we end up feeling things that don't really exist. We've fabricated it in our minds because we think with our hearts.

In a book I was reading this week, it said we are in a battle. Men struggle with their eyes, with lust. We struggle with our thoughts as well, just in a different way. It starts with our hearts and moves from there. Regardless, it is a battle. Take a lesson from me and what I didn't do when I was younger...fight. Don't fight with a lousy shoulder hit, but stand up and fight this battle. Guard your heart with all diligence. Protect its purity. Consider the consequences of tossing your heart around as if it held no value. Only give it to those who truly deserve it. Those who understand its value and want to protect it just as you have.

Proverbs 4:23 “Keep your heart with all diligence...”