drowning

I'm writing this blog not to receive pity, but just with a desire to be raw and open. I've struggled for a long time with unhappiness. I have allowed Satan to rob me of my joy. I've fallen prey to his lies and believed every one of them.

In a moment of absolute despair last night, all I could hear was “you're not good enough. Not funny enough. Not thin enough. Not pretty enough. Not loud enough. Not fast enough. Not strong enough. Not patient enough...You are not enough!”

It's been a mantra of sorts that has played in my head incessantly. I can't get rid of it. It has effected every area of my life. But the worst of all is it has made me...shall I actually confess it out loud??...angry at God. That's been Satan's intent all along. He only wants you to take your focus off Christ and turn it on yourself. Eventually, you'll turn on your Creator too. It isn't something that happens overnight. It just starts with one thought that goes unchecked. This is why II Corinthians 10:5 tells us to “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

There's a saying about bitterness—it is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die. How much worse is it when you realize the anger and bitterness you feel is actually directed at God??

While I was drowning in the depths of my own self pity and self hatred, a song came on my Pandora that was a little misplaced. See, I was listening to Christmas music when all of the sudden the familiar notes of Tenth Avenue North came through the speakers. If you've read any of my blogs, you know that I love music and lyrics.

Here I am loathing so much about myself and how God created me, building up a wall of bitterness and the lyrics are saying...

I'll be by your side

Wherever you fall

In the dead of night

Whenever you call

Please don't fight

These hands that are holding you

No matter how far I fall. He's still there. To love me in spite of all my flaws. In spite of all my “not enoughs.” At the end of the day it really doesn't matter if I'm enough, because let's face it, He is enough. More than enough.