Riley and me

Well, day one of writing. I'm sitting at my sister's kitchen table. It has a nice view of the park at the center of the subdivision. Riley, a ridgeback/lab mix, is Shay and Derick's dog. She sits next to me and either has her head resting on the windowsill looking out longingly at the park or she rests her head on the corner of the table wondering what in the world I am doing and why I am not playing with her.  She's a boisterous dog that thinks like she's a small tea cup pup, but she is absolutely adorable. She's going to help me write I think.

I have a job interview later this afternoon. Which is good. I'm a little tired of resting, I want to get back to work. But this morning I woke up and I had dreamed about a character in one of my books. I had talked about it with Shay yesterday so I assume she was just on my mind. It was so nice waking up and being able to just go to my computer and start writing. I've been able to get so much done this morning. 

new beginnings

As many of you already know, I started college in August of 2002. I started out well, but soon became caught up in all sorts of other things. I became extremely depressed and spiritually far from where I needed to be. I ended up failing several classes. I don't even remember taking most of them. I was just in a really bad place and ended up wasting my time and money on schooling that I wasn't taking seriously. I began to doubt the reasons why I was even getting a Biblical education. Seriously, what's a girl to do with a degree in Biblical Studies? I spoke to my counselor and she basically told me I was to marry someone in the ministry or become a church secretary. That just doesn't work for me. I ended up quitting school and moving back to Florida.

I had grown bitter from relationships gone sour...relationships with so called friends from the Bible college. When I needed someone to recognize the dark hole I had fallen into and reach out for me, there was no one and that hurt. I blamed them for everything. After 3 yrs in FL, I took one trip to Boston to see my sister graduate and it all changed. I remember sitting in the grand and historical Fanieul Hall watching her walk across that stage to get her diploma and I wanted it to be me. I wanted to finish what I had started. After talking to a couple from the school, the Sawyers, I began to realize I wanted more than to just finish. I wanted to regain my purpose. I knew God had called me to a specific task. I had lost sight of it for a while. Or maybe I just never found clarity on it.

I began to look at it from a whole new perspective. I decided instead of going to a Bible college in order to learn how to be in ministry, I was going to begin my ministry in Bible college. I wanted to be for others what I wanted so desperately when I first started back in 02-03. It was there during those moments that I found my direction. I love writing. I always have, but I've always done it as a hobby...for my eyes only. I realized that God wanted more from me. I realized that I could use my education in the Bible to be the base of my writing.

On Wednesday afternoon I walked across that very same platform in the historic Fanieul Hall in downtown Boston and received my degree. It has been a long time coming. I've learned so much a long the way. Yes, a lot of it was in the classroom, but most of it was not. I am so grateful God gave me a second chance.

I fly out to Boise, ID tomorrow. It will be a new beginning for me. I can't wait to start fresh. I can't wait to see what God has in store, what He will write in this new chapter in my life.

random

I was recently introduced to stumbleupon.com You choose some interests you have then brings you to random websites you wouldn't normally find. Well I stumbled upon a new favorite. It's called donothingfor2minutes.com It plays the sounds of the ocean in order for you to relax, but what I've found is it doesn't stop after 2 minutes. It keeps going. I'm loving it. I've missed the ocean.

So I only have 21 more days of school then I'm off to Philly for a few days before leaving for Boise. Someone came up to me today and said that the rumor mill says I'm going to Boise for a guy haha. That would be false. I've pretty much come to this point in my life where I'm so focused on other things that a guy would really complicate things. Its been a long time coming to get to that point, but I'm finally there. I'm fine without one.

I'm going to Boise for a girl...my sister. We are planning on starting this website soon and hopefully, God willing, we will be starting a business together in the next few years or so. We'll see. I am also hoping to get started on some more schooling...hopefully a masters in English.

To be honest, there really isn't a point to this blog. I just felt like talking :) Have a good night everyone. I'm gonna listen to the ocean for awhile.

God Bless,
Tanya

cursed

I overheard a conversation a couple of weeks ago. I'm a nosy person and I have a tendency of just inserting myself into conversations without invitation. Ken Gillming, a VP at the school I attend, was talking to some students about the differences in the way men and women think. I have no idea the origin of this conversation, but he was saying that men have to think and feel separately. Women are able to do both simultaneously. Now, this does not make us better it just means we are a mess. This goes along with what I was saying in my last blog about the heart. Our emotions and our thoughts are woven together. It is difficult to separate our thoughts from our feelings. Someone once said, “men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti.” So true. Men compartmentalize in little boxes, and women are all mixed together—one thought connected to another.

Gillming then brought up Genesis 3 and the curse God put on Adam and Eve in the garden. Oh, that wretched curse! It's brought me nothing but heartache and trouble. Verse 16 says, “and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” He offered a new point of view on this passage. As women, we've been cursed to desire our husbands. We've automatically put all of our desire and focus on the men in our life. We depend on them to fulfill us, complete us. We try so hard to find our security in them.

Now if you are anything like me and single, every man I'm interested in becomes a husband candidate. Therefore, I have a tendency of acting out the curse on every one of these men. This is where my last blog comes into play. I have allowed my heart to become unguarded and vulnerable.

We have to learn to control our emotions and not be driven by them. We have to fight against the curse. That's our sin nature. We have to go against our nature and return our focus on God. Our security should be found in Christ and Christ alone. Our desires and focus should be towards God not man. Men will let you down, but God will not. When you find complete fulfillment in God, then that frees up the men to be what God has called them to be and not what we want them to be. Takes a lot of pressure off their shoulders if they don't have to worry about being your everything.

I'm thinkin' maybe there should be a book about this. Hmmm...I'm going to have a lot of writing to do this summer :)

heart

For the last two years I have been leading girls' devotions on Monday nights with a friend of mine, Tamara. We are nearing the end of our time with these girls, and I am starting to get really sad. Tamara has been amazing to work along side. She is such a godly woman. Such an encouragement. This past Monday, we began talking about the heart and how vulnerable it can be. As women, we can be so careless with our hearts and we don't always consider the consequences and how devastating heartbreak truly can be. I try so hard not to be vulnerable, but I can't help it. I still haven't learned my lesson, even at 29. The heart is vulnerable, it needs to be guarded. This is especially true for women.

When I was growing up, my family would poke fun at me because I couldn't fight. There was a time when I was mad at one of my sisters (I can't remember which one), it was over a stupid Britney Spears CD. So ridiculous to think about now, but at the time I was livid. I was seeing red. I ran after the sister, grabbed the CD and hit her on her shoulder. Now anyone who actually knows how to fight knows that a lousy hit to the shoulder is pathetic. She actually started laughing at me. I was horrified that I had “attempted” to hurt my sister, so I started crying. I was the one who inflicted pain (not really, but I tried), and I started crying. When my family poked fun at me I would tell them its because I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'm sensitive. I can't help it. My heart reigns supreme.

Now in any Bible study setting with young girls, college or high school ages, there are always the discussions about sexual purity and abstaining until marriage, but not much is said about the heart. Not many understand that the emotional needs of the woman are just as important to her as the physical needs of a man are to him. It's a wonderful thing if a woman saves her virginity for her husband, but its an even greater feat if she saves her heart for him as well.

We are emotional creatures. We have emotional needs and we will allow anyone and everyone to fulfill those needs. Sometimes, its just seeking advice, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on. But in seeking these things from men, we are allowing them to meet our emotional needs. When they do this we open our hearts and become vulnerable to them. Sometimes our hearts get carried away. Sometimes we end up feeling things that don't really exist. We've fabricated it in our minds because we think with our hearts.

In a book I was reading this week, it said we are in a battle. Men struggle with their eyes, with lust. We struggle with our thoughts as well, just in a different way. It starts with our hearts and moves from there. Regardless, it is a battle. Take a lesson from me and what I didn't do when I was younger...fight. Don't fight with a lousy shoulder hit, but stand up and fight this battle. Guard your heart with all diligence. Protect its purity. Consider the consequences of tossing your heart around as if it held no value. Only give it to those who truly deserve it. Those who understand its value and want to protect it just as you have.

Proverbs 4:23 “Keep your heart with all diligence...”

passion

Sunday at church my pastor went through the events of Passion week. Having just come back from Israel a month ago, it gave me a fresh look on these events. He discussed the Gethsemane experience which is mentioned in all four gospel accounts (John 14:1-18:12; Mark 14:26, 32-52; Matthew 26:30, 36-56; and Luke 22:39-53). He pointed out how Jesus' humanity was showed at this moment. Jesus was 100% God and 100% man, and at this moment that was revealed. The Bible says He sweat drops of blood as He prayed “Let this cup pass from me.” This was not because He was afraid of what was to happen. He did not fear the upcoming torture and death. No, it was the stress caused from becoming sin. He became sin so that we could have life. He didn't just take on the sin of the worst sinners. He took on every sin that had ever been committed or ever will be committed. He took on my sin. He did it because He loves us, because He is passionate towards us.

Today in chapel, they played a clip from the Passion of the Christ. It was like being forced to watch a horror show. You want to look away. You want to run away from it, from the truth. No one wants to think about what actually happened on the day that Jesus became sin. No one wants to take the blame for that. The truth is though, that it was my sin that did that.

Sometimes in my head I romanticize the cross. It's like I'm saying in my head, “He died for me. Yay!” I choose not to think about the reality of His death and all that happened to Him on that day. When the clip from the movie first started, it began at the part where He comes through the gate with the cross. The man, Joseph, was already helping Him at this point in the movie. Jesus had been brutally beaten and scourged to the point of death (Mark 15:16-23; Matthew 27:27-34; Luke 23:26-33; John 19:16-17). I was reminded again of all He suffered through. Last Sunday at church when we were going through this, someone pointed out that He held His life in. It was as if at any moment during all that happened to Him that day He could have died, but He held off His death to endure more. In the book of Isaiah, it says that He would be marred more than any man. He was unrecognizable. He could have just given up and died and He didn't (Mark 15:24-46; Matthew 27:35-60; Luke 23:33-56; John 19:18-42).

Throughout the rest of the clip we watched, I just kept thinking about all the things I gloss over in my life. I justify the things I do. I don't consider all He did for me. My sin is an offense to Him and what He went through that day. What's really sad is the fact that I only dwell on these things at Easter. Why do we get so caught up in our lives that we forget what He's done?

The last thing my pastor said on Sunday before closing in prayer was “When all seems lost, all is gained.” I can't live my life feeling guilty about what I have done or chosen not to do in the past. What Christ did on the cross gives me the grace to make it right today and the next day. May we face the truth of what He did for us on the cross and not take it for granted any longer. There is so much to gain.

new stuff

There are always questions we dread being asked. One of mine is “how's the love life?” but in the last few months its been “what's your plans after graduation?” I have been so busy recently, I have had trouble concentrating on getting dressed in the morning much less actually making any life plans. As I mentioned in my earliest blogs, I've had a few options I was considering. My sister Mishayla in Boise was one of those options. She's been one of those people who has continually been asking “so what's your plans after graduation?” But I love her, so I forgive her. I always responded with “I'll think about it in April.” I had so many projects and the trip and so much else on my plate that the moment was complicated enough. I could not waste time considering June. Well, April came and so did my sister's question “what are your plans...?”

I've been praying about it, of course, but in more of a general way. So now was the time to sit down and weigh out my options and see what it was that God really wanted me to do. It was time to face the music. So it has finally been decided. I have purchased a one-way ticket to Boise, ID. Not quite sure what I have gotten myself into, but we'll see...

I was telling someone the other day, I'm not an adventurous person by any stretch of the imagination. The only things I am adventurous with are shopping and moving. For some reason, I can't fathom white water rafting or bungee jumping, but picking up and moving to a place I've never been and know approximately four people is a great adventure. I love it. There is so much unknown and if you know anything about me, I typically hate the unknown. This is me being adventurous. Can't call me boring ha. Well, at this particular moment :/

So I'm so excited and I've already started packing because I can't help myself. I can't wait to start over someplace new and meet new people and experience new things. I can't wait to start on some fun ventures with Shay. We have so many things in mind. I can't tell you about them yet, but they are very exciting!

I'm down to 35 days and counting until graduation. I have so much to do, but I'm trying to absorb it all before I go.